20 Positive Things We Must Tell Our Children
By Ms. Anitha George
Praise the effort, not the child
"You’re so smart" is one of the least useful things you can tell a child, even though it is one of the most common. It praises a fixed trait rather than a repeatable action, so a child who hears it starts to protect the label instead of taking the kind of risks that build real ability. "You worked at that until it made sense" does the opposite — it tells a child exactly what to do again.
Twenty things worth saying out loud
I noticed how carefully you thought about that. You kept trying even when it was frustrating. That was a kind thing to do for your friend. You asked a really good question today. I trust your judgement here. It is okay that you got it wrong, that is how we learn. I saw you help without being asked. You explained that clearly. I like how you see things. You made a hard choice and it was the right one. Thank you for being honest with me. You listened well just now. That took courage. You noticed something I missed. I am proud of how you handled that. You stuck with it. That was your idea, and it was a good one. You made someone’s day better today. I enjoy talking to you about this. You are allowed to change your mind. I believe you can figure this out.
When appreciation backfires
Praise stops working the moment it stops being specific or stops being true. Blanket praise for everything, said in the same tone regardless of what actually happened, is quickly discounted by children — they are better at detecting insincerity than we give them credit for. The praise that lands is the kind that shows you were actually paying attention.
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